will you?

7:41pm: life. good bad ugly jackass last night love em all. new life living now. 2 busy 2 slow. work works. drink less. eat more. still skinny ha. placebo. yeah fuck shit

3:35pm: fuck miserable its always something u hear. its really nothing. people who talk 2 much speak 2 loud then u cant hear them at all. others mumble. i mumble at times. i have shit to say id rather not. its never anything good nice or o yeah this fucking that. times,. times.. its funny to me what really makes us smile. really smile. its a rare thing. i like it though. i like seeing friends smile really happy. in the moment of something excited they are still alive. that makes me smile. im bullshit. ur nothing. were something. fuck u.

3:18pm: m

come on this is the last time. u are that man.woman. u know what u have become. can't go home. scream yell. enough. not right right right now. its fun.doing it all the wrong times. mishaps perhaps hello goodbye love o love hate i hate u. where has everyone gone? nice day spend it alone. blues o good blues cleans the soul. hate o hate so many not really but literally. i miss music when it was good. i miss alochol when it was something new. i miss doing drugs with friends. i miss my life im living in. laughs laughter. thinking of something new. better best done. above. as someone said ive heard. we were born 2 lose.

6:43pm: theres this song i love by a friends band and theres this 1 line in the last song on the album -- always i laugh about and question - it - makes me happy fucking mad and i love the feeling.

i wanted desperately this shit to work with u and me

. that says something 2 me

7:08pm: lots lots of good bad stuff. sure get ur own ill handle move i dont see y not . its only half of anything i want. it blows here but here here not here. its different anywhere. i want that half but nothing new knowing. it could never or would be like anything rest. small things one at a time snowball on time to make a newadventure of nothing really new enough. for me at all. problems problems. take a drink it doesnt change much. its swell . i smile. just not in myself.

12:17am: look forward to lies achievements this or that. miss or make take or done
still same rides go by as i were 7 stupid radio unfullfilled waiting wanting no understanding anything. chew a candy buy a lottery ticket for the new lottery loved one. everyone is going so different . good. good. good. i need what maybe might is when now. o soon enough screams sound clear... and u wont ever got have a clue. tonight was amazing. because we are dumb and live thru something and it was amazing. amazing... the future will turn and show view and blow take away and allow more then half and then talk in fractions. money and its endless o do it. and o no slow. slow. and i need want. reality everyone is. something real. and jackass and loved 1 move back. i can honestly say i like love everyone im close 2 and i like that. do they i dunno. but i do. minus judge they act well tho. there is just something big happening and just play stay in tune. and u have a part/ if u want 2. but theres no easy means.. communism o8 haha. jk but id laugh marx way o way out.

tonight was amazing stupid fun and changed made some sort of happiness.
and happiness / hope is all that matters.......... or we just are dead inside.

5:21pm: cold afternoon grey but light sky as it gets darker we know it b fades- dressed scarves jacket or so they always come short or long never the right how. so. hat. shitty hair long or none. its always a game plan thats fails. in a foreign car small. crammed but enjoyable more is more less is always fucking nothing. redbull or vodka or a drink when u wanna get up out the funk of the other day that was prob something that was whatever. songs from a nyc band but not art rock not mellow drone. a mix. good vocals catchy. window opencigarette smoke - cold air.
. some people smoke pot i decline.but they smell lingers for some reason. we chat. laugh. giggle. listen to music. sip drinks. drive. look out the window with nothing spoken. fresh air . heater. warm. warm. seats warm. then cold. when u get out........ thats a mood i enjoyed. and i dont know y. it felt something. going somewhere dunno y. everyone up down go . never snow. but its quite alright.

1:24am: a while
nothing changes abruptly
good bad medium wrong rights longs and longer. holes. stuck. dig. dug. gone. done did .

end most. if not all in 1 circumstance of no meaning.
nothing is felt as much . told / heard. said words.

miss folks. hate others. minus that i dont even think i hate. i just dislike ideas.

be wrong not right then u win twice.

lottery bad. scratch offs funny.

saints down.

i dont feel anymore.

i feel for few others.



cooking looking stupid cheap old weird dumb clothes down.

horrible hair. as if we are all whatever it is. never pay unless its someone u know more then fairly well.

miss envy. terrorism is funny down. hurricanes out. puppy bites a lot.
toy broken. doorbell rang. the kind u buy from walgreens when the knocker broke.

fancy stretch garbage bags and only shitty beer . alochol. life.

bbq and life

give up

in is out.

10:54pm: i learned more today, i did not want 2 know

there is always not correctly fitting in but holding a common ground of something the same now or then back when and so how.

times change people are times change. growing and learning comes different for each and all. it does make sense. its just theres only going to always be the select u feel so at home with. and that means the world to everything that is. is. is is. it.

secrets come and go in the ear and not out. its life when u get older and die out.

i enjoyed watching the soccer. and cheering as goals hit. talking to them 2 on fone as power went out made it feel as they were here. kinda funny.

it didnt feel like the 4th but last yr was 2 over the top. for me now. me and charles watched a good movie.
new envy song makes me feel down with the mono album playing after it.

its wed. about.

townes van zandt docu. made me think a bit diff. of a lot. i like that.
i like that a lot.

11:58pm: i wish i could miss old loves but i guess they were never there for me when i honestly needed them. i brought up a touchy subject with a best friends new gf the other evening. whats the deal with no deal. ideas . agendas. disdain. not even a fucking word. and just who are u. now i was told i got the curse word thing . out that i was making fun of the other day. how people curse every other word. i wasnt wrong iw as told. just wrong way. i just want to get people. if they are able 2 get. after bbqing. saved a frog from the pond. at dusk i was watering plants. i see looks like a frog with a tail. a fucking snake. i dont do snakes. eating the frog. killed the snake. the frog died. i dont do fucking snakes.. i saw this movie on the smashing pumpkins dvd from twice. called try like 15 mins. man. it set me back. it wasnt like bad. to where northcore would watch that porn. with the most disugsting things. u think no one would ever do. that fucks with ur mind. but it did fuck with ur mind. it wasnt over disgusting. as many might say. its artsy but all dark. it just set me back. going u know. everyone thinks of the weirdest shit.
everyone.

im 2 there for people. and im not fucking the best person. but id do about anything for someone thats down 2 me.
and i dont honestly believe half of them would do the same. im wrong but. i dunno.
i know more then should have though.
speaking very generally so im all wrong.

almost done painting the shit.

i like everyone but im full of anger that i dont let out. via everything

im use to frustartion and let down. and highs. highs. lows
and it gets me when others havent done that yet.
or since a long long time past. when it was so low. they will never even go half way back. when its life that brings u there.

not anything u did or have done wrong.

im all wrong its so fucking right.

im having a fan c bbq soon. but not wild like every other 1.
not as many and a bit
older.

everyone does cocaine now. and a lot of people have problems with it. its kinda sad.
even learning kids i use to know died. and oxy cotton shit. and that everyone over 30 i know
minus like rents and others. still do drugs. drink. and divorced. affairs. and just shit.

i dont want to live like a fireman.

we got the issues.

i had fun with them folks this weekend.

la rock
la awe
need to come on back

i want to play in nirvana meets city of u know who with mono loudness

but not the we past 22 no more screaming. but not the overdone bs.

it would be fun.
but it would be we know what

12:06am: this is what it feels like 2 be alive




no one really understood/care 2

12:31am: lets just cause a scene

in the end scars mean nothing them yrs followed me 2 close

its okay someday u will be able 2 say hear heard [want 2 be[

let it out
right now it's okay- i said

we must care about something?

hello i loved when u said goodbye
it gave me this feeling of achievement in ..

temple . thats right tonight
hey lets just take a ride
hey lets just try to realize
take hearts and make something that taste just fine












regret is a word that ill never be able to truely define

hear the take

its never understood








when does my world begin?

1:40am: my friends made my weekend way 2 well.

i miss other 2. dey movin back




did dunkin no fritter

oj vodka shine the spotlights song.




sneezes. so so sopranos. decent big love.


bbq this week. down folks will eat.





thank the good folks for being just that.


and my next animals name will be jesus.

9:21pm: rainer maria was down
+ so are blood relatives= real or fake

me and charles drink 40z and vodka and drive around
facedowninshit was also much good. back to the dixie days n drunk dirt punk rock kids

8:32pm: kiss the bullshit flag goodbye . only here now===== when. right.///// fuck the -sign- Wrong Way ((because we all know the wind did it.. to make us go hmm. i know it was not that way b4. but now. )) no. duh.


i havent shaved in days and it just looks dumb dirty. hair is longer and still born brown -
ima let someone drunk as a skunk. blindfolded cut it. then we'll see what looks are made of. -- hostility was made for christianity.


songs that start off lush without the use of delay just sweet silent not always slow- that then go to screaming in a far away(distant) manner make me happy and hopefull...........

there is this ------do others validate ur judgement of within ?? question. n. in the stupid manner i guess i do look down on myself due to others views. =======yet ive never tried or would change for that. i dont view them superior.

just more on market right now.

its shitty stupid. lets play sit on the sidewalk and wait for people to walk into u................ they all miss the hair smell n kisses.

--
lets start over or just never begin







and no i dont like pot . we can do the other shit, thinking/speaking life & death - 2 just feel it tomm.

12:46am: .now
now

I'm sailin', sailin',
Place I've never seen
That's way down south,
Sweet 'ol New Orleans
'Cause my hometown friends treats me awful mean
If I could holler, yeah holler
If I could scream and cry,
It hurts me so
When I look up in the sky,
'Cause my friends turn their heads,
As they passin' by
Now it's rainin', it's rainin'
The wind's blowin' cold,
Lord I thought I heard
My train whistle blow,
Now I'm gonna sail so far
'Till I won't be back no more





Pardon me, pardon me,
It's so hard to stand
I ain't got no money,
Uncle Sam has called my man
Now there's not a soul,
To give me a helpin' hand

8:11pm: see there is always this same story to be told...............

.. just like b4

exact emotions . feelings. motions. towards the end and beginning.++++

happening over and over. or for the first or last time. lets minus the bad moments... for fucks sake.

there was this thing u learned. told...................... done.well. son. u work so damn swell.

uh oh O.

then . revoke the rest from ur own fucking journey.

- because. there is no




lets make up a word. (good). u - smell - feel - look - make me feel - (great)

lets all join in and remind ourselves with a little reality what actual happiness entails. and there

IS

not 1 word spoken. because this is a false question being the answer is endlessly OPEN.

uh oh..........o





shut up.

there is no way to know and see anything....................

wild science

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


desperately wishing that there was something REAL

knowing ________(all along)

only truth (let's lie, a good bit, first?)

there is not much left (right now)

8:20pm: there's this feeling. when u need something so bad it couldn't ever() be pain - unfound -
there's this way.
there's this idea of getting along - gone -
there's this thing
there's nothing when u wish
there's so much when u look
there's shitty people in all the windows and door frames
there's everything u ever learned that has made u who u are
there's all the things u saw and thought u wanted to see - wishing now u could take a good part - back -
there's everything in the smallest simplest stupidest things
there's friends and enemies
there's life if u choose - death if u don't
there's a word people use as fate - i never believed
there's people who get it the hard way and others blink and batter the eye easy
there's nothing right now to say - i feel ?

7:57pm: the whole day this far was bullshit
fuck everything
can it get any worse
i know it can

ima wake up and laugh

3:07pm: we are something ill never comprehend. to quote. yell. scream to anyone. in the movement of this fucking illusion is quietly stupid. and thats the only ones who will ever see. what will be? what will get done? where did u look for the keys, u left 3 days before? to the left room, covered in a white paint. cluttered with things u dislike with a taste of a past experience. u tried to put off way 2 long. begging. u try. to take forth. with the right foot first. the people who loved u. u saw 2 urself love u for. something u have never seen in ur own eyes. call urself down. calm it down. the moment strikes. and u are surprised. there is only death and life. and in this. meaning. say sorry. say sorry. heart breaking everyone. i just honestly know. and i do not want 2 know. anything. wishing u were wiser. still thankfull. words say. thanx for the joy . love. smile on a face.. has been said. i dont ever get upset. because im not allowed 2. we cut stupid shirts. and fuck up our hair. smell shit. even when they all lie. and why. i do not know.. y. illusions in the mindddddddddd haha.. get done. and over. because u dont have much lefttt 2 give..... remind. remind remind.. ur only as good as others will ever view. u. and thats the end.

8:35am: im about as bad as it can be with life.

10:44pm: stop but it already turned around. they let go a long time ago- forgot the right things to say.
everyone writes books for the payday- drugs are the dumbest thing left ever. the stupid people do them.
how many hours has everyone cried this last 19 days?
dog cruelty is inhumane and people should be punished. killing a human seems much easier.
music has become bullshit thanx to rich golden chests 2 be found via popularity.
when the loved one sleeps over on the last night. it could be alright.
time in minutes but not hours is like humidity in denver.

6:29am: in so far of a long days done.
everything that really has happened way 2 good was . just that 2 good to be true.
its a hard thing to rationalize. when u feel happy because of the smallest things.
but they always seem to come and go like a strong wind. stale again.
maybe as one gets older things can get better.-------- and sometimes things just do happen for some unknown reason.
but i cant say ive ever seen that happen in my life.++++
++ yes theres been some great things. and i couldnt live without them.
but theres always 1 thing or another. that never settles well. or at all.
then all or most breaks down.again. as it always has
ever. ? non understanding?
truth in something unknown?
feelings of happiness without any reason to wonder why.how.or question much....

im so use to failure =its hard to feel another way...
let go i will. _____but i cant say i like to be open to being a failure.
trial and error. are hard.
im ready now -if i have ever been.
but u cant answer everyone elses questions for them.

seeing is believing. is what everyone in this world has to understand.

11:27pm: u will only ever know
what u have walked thru with eyes wide open.
repeat..
delete every other fucking thought u had before. its gone..
trial and error is 18 yrs. minus every other belief.
religion plays 2 big of a part in so many young ones lives..
turn to bob dylan
right and wrong
nurture nature- mature in the future.
we all look for so much in so few yrs. to fail and try. try and fail. whichever leads us the the lead.
seems to win.
dissapointment. or rejoice in far 2 much money. ala a horrid baptist preacher...

brides and grooms divorce far 2 often. love has become a feeling of false.

wannnnnnntsssss are out of the ballpark in the ye ol sky.


so whats left is..
no one will ever be ur best friend unless they have seen u at the worst and down.
with nothing but love. care. kiss.es and hugs.

turn away and then ur just a joke..
soliders seem the same. dont fight for a horrible war.
life is enough of a jungle for everyone here....

screaming never saved a soul.
death is the only thing that ever showed.............

crying.
desperate tears... meant nothing.

its a hard hard world we live in.
free
say whatever u please
make so much money
dont kill. rape. or pillage.
play nice.
worship a lord.
dont be gay. or have an abortion.
if u are black we wont help u. fast at all.
if u are white.. well u already are rich and hate gays. and so many sons already died in iraq... love.
jews.. hitler didnt finish u yet?
if u look middle eastern.. are u a terrorist. dont get on my plane..
drunk.. train jumper.... dont take my shoes..

i love it in new orleans. but i hate the bullshit.
no religion.
no war.
a bit of a far fetched belief i do know.
but come on.....
common sense.. tells u all..

12:46am: open up on a day. no lie death always looked so tomm. not always easily adjusted to come. but most of the last yrs it was more welcomed then others would lead to believe.. with songs from yrs ago that u have grown so use 2 in the last yrs. not as much of late.. unhappy for no fucking reason. is the question to the answer. jepodary. the answers will always be simple..a truth of having those around u love. caring. and loving. alone is so welcomed in busy times. others are crap. so eagerly ready to do it all but it takes the rightness of everything....who cares is the truth. it does in some stupid way make me happy if no one cares at all. ill never understand that. but the times for 18 19. reading so much. learning. and all these thoughts books. song writers. painters. who all died unhappy alone. and then 1 day they were something for no reason at all. it shows the stupidity of people so into the daily routine to sit and set ways a different. i still have the fav days i enjoy. i do quite think they are that. for the outside loveliness of the day and the not so much alochol drug abuse back when.. happy though..happpyyyyyy. i still get so very happy somedays. but only on the stupid shit.. ill crash down like a plane b4 a muslim even boards.. racism is a huge pet peave now. people GET DUMBER AFTER THE HURRICANE. if i hear the word nigger anymore. i dunno. its just dumb white folk it seems. HE HE LETS FUCK A HORSE. is all i think....rednecks without actually having ever worked in the sun.. i wish 2 much id agree. these songs make me want to go 2 nyc. but it would never be nyc with how i am. nola bound.. i only aspire for 1 thing. and love others.. but i only want to really do 1 thing......i guess its always been that..way.. cooking and gardens make me relax. without the alochol and drug stuff. id ont look down on any of that anymore. if done without addiction which is a hard thing. it can all make u look at things so different. to feel ur body...want something for a feeling. and the feelinggg is heaven...the real heaven... i enjoy... i hate christianity out of all religions...i really really dislike it. i wish everyone was nice....who cares about the dumb shit. religion is dumb shit... i dont think ill ever fall in love again. or anyone will ever truely love me.. crying about seeing animals rescued i dont think ill ever be able to help. i could kill someone. but not a dog. and ill never understand... its the only thought. who was always there. people or animals. i realize blood is always not blood. i have a lot of blood in friends that will never be the same blood line.. i loose faith in so many so often. including myself... life isnt as thoughtfull as everyone thinks im starting to believe....
what is true happiness. sustained heaven in the mind... theres a zillion diff answers each waking moment. no one will ever change.. u will always have stupidity.. and no one will ever truely understand. for reasons of one self. ill always believe.